This post is going to get real and very, very personal! Baby talk can get a little uncomfortable for some people – so here is your fair warning, if you don’t want to hear it – don’t keep reading!
My hubby and I have been married for a little over 4 years now. We’ve had talks about starting a family – most of the time leading up to this point, our answer to the incessant question from friends and family, and even people we don’t know (am I the only one who thinks it’s crazy how many strangers ask this question??) of whether or not we were going to have kids was always something like, “in due time”. No pun intended.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom (which I loved!) and I grew up wanting to be the same – not realizing, of course, how impossible that would be in this day and age, ha! I’m a planner, so naturally, my goal as a kid was to get married by 24 and kids by 26. Not only was I off on that one, but my idea that the desire to have babies would come immediately didn’t happen either. At this point, the majority of my friends have several kids, at least, and over the last few years I’ve wondered, “will I ever feel ready to have kids?”. And not ready as in financially, because we know that will never happen with these never ending medical bills. But ready to give up a life of just “Leigh and Bri” – a selfless, carefree, husband and wife team life.
This year, it finally happened. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that my little sister had the cutest little girl this summer. I have always adored being an aunt, but for the first time, I’m right in the middle of the girl fights over who gets to hold the baby. And imagine my delight when I discover my husband is just as ready as I am to finally start a family!
But here comes the discouraging part. I’ve had several discussions with both of my Lyme doctors, all of which contained some disheartening news:
1. The chances of passing Lyme along to my baby are high (somewhere in the 70-90% range!)
2. The percentage of miscarriages are way higher in Lyme patients
3. The chances of giving birth to a child with neurological problems are much higher
4. It may be much harder to even get pregnant
5. Lyme symptoms are likely to get worse post-pregnancy
However, there IS some good news in all this:
1. If I am put on a safe antibiotic through the course of pregnancy, the probability of passing along to the fetus goes down to 10%
2. Many Lyme mothers report lessened symptoms DURING pregnancy
I’m not going to lie, all of those negatives have me apprehensive. As if it’s not already a miracle to deliver a healthy baby! How am I ever going to get through these possible challenges? Worst of all – I can barely take care of myself some days, have a hard time walking, standing, sitting, carrying most days – how am I EVER going to be able to take care of a child? It seems impossible.
Every day I struggle with anger and bitterness. Why me? Why now? Why has this disease consumed my life for so long? I feel like so much of the “prime of my life” has been stripped away and I’ve missed out on so much. And now I may be robbed of having my own child, or a healthy child? I’m so sad, so mad, so discouraged. But I must remind myself of two things - to live my life one day at a time and, most importantly, to have faith. God has a plan for my life, for OUR lives. I really hope and pray that plan includes a family. But it’s not just all in due time, it’s all in God’s time.
