It seems ironic now, but a few months ago, I was fondly reminiscing from the February before, when our city shut down from a snow storm for an entire week. I told my co-workers that I wouldn't mind it happening again, because it was actually kind of nice to be holed up at home with my family, checked out from "reality" for a bit. Now, here we are, 7 weeks into quarantine, where I've only left my house 4 times and haven't seen anyone other than my family in almost 2 months. It seems as though my wish was granted, 7 times over!
I definitely have mixed feelings about these crazy times. Some days I'm absolutely loving the solitude (if you can call having a preschooler attached to your hip at all times solitude) and other days I feel like I'm truly on the brink of going bat shit crazy.
Although the truth is, this lockdown life isn't all that foreign to me. Being stuck at home for long periods of time is nothing new. I guess I can thank my illness for preparing me for that.
What is new, though, is caring for our child 24-7. I know that every parent has it rough in some way - each age has it's own challenges. While I'm thankful that we do not have the pressure of following a school curriculum, and that we only have ONE child to keep entertained, if I had to choose an age to be quarantined with, three would probably not be it?! I still don't know why they call them "terrible two's" when "terrible three's" is much more realistic. While my daughter is learning how to deal with her big emotions, I'm doing my best to keep mine in check. My patience has never been tested quite like it has these last 7 weeks, and some days have ended in tears from more than one of us. Though we have had many good moments as well, and just like every age before this, I'm sure I will miss it in many ways.
Obviously, a 3 year old cannot comprehend what a chronic illness means, or the fact
that her mommy's body has major limitations. It's tough for her to understand that I can't get up "Right NOW!" because I'm so lethargic I can hardly lift my head, let alone my whole body. When I can't do things like carry her on my shoulders for more than a few minutes she can throw epic tantrums, and it takes all I have within me not to scream and cry right along with her. Other times I have to keep myself from laughing when she tenses up her body and shouts, "I am never EVER, EVER going to play with you, EVER AGAIN!" as she runs away from me because something I did (or didn't do) upset her. In addition to being her mom, I've now also become her teacher and her friend, and finding a healthy balance between the three can be emotionally tough on both of us. Though I have to admit, it's heart warming when she tells me on a daily basis, "mommy, you're my best friend!"
Pre-COVID days, I would drag myself to work on Monday mornings, feeling so extremely exhausted from just 2 days of full-time parenting. So now, over a month in, I honestly don't even know how I'm still functioning. Thankfully we have had wonderful weather, so not only are we getting a lot of Vitamin D, but my husband has been able to take her on remote hikes to give me some breaks. I've also gone through 30+lbs of Epsom salt with the amount of baths I've taken, in desperate attempts to diminish my full body pain.
Because, let me tell you, it's worse than it has probably ever been before. I feel beat up and exhausted every single day, like someone ran me over with a semi truck, and then backed up for good measure. After just one activity, I can hardly walk, or even stand up straight. I started the lockdown by pushing really hard, with at least a few new activities every day - forts, cardboard playhouses, painting rocks, painting nails, baking, bubbles, yoga, indoor picnics, gardening, walks...you name it, we probably did it. And it practically killed me, but I wanted to create some fun memories. And that we did!
But now, I'm so broken that it takes all I have just to get out of bed in the mornings. I try to move as many activities as I can to the comfort of my heating pad on the couch, and of course I've succumbed to allowing more screen time than I normally would. It used to be that one break would allow me to muster up enough strength and tone down my pain levels enough to warrant a few more hours of go-time. But now, even a whole day of rest wouldn't be enough to get me there.
I've also had over 2 weeks worth of flu-like symptoms...which every parent knows is no fun when you have a kid on your hands. I've had many moments of feeling so faint that the world goes black, and I have to find something to lean on in fear of passing out right in front of my daughter. For the first 5 weeks, my nervous system was also extremely out of whack. I blame most of it on a new medication I had to take, and April's supermoon, but it probably also had something to do with the stress of the new situation. I couldn't relax my body for anything. All day and night, I was so strung up, I couldn't even sleep. It was miserable. Also, my muscles are wearing out more with every day that passes. The other night, I could hardly even finish a bedtime story because my jaw was so tired.
With that said, there are definitely some perks to this new normal. For one, I've been able to sleep in a little later. Falling asleep at 4:00am isn't quite as bad when you can sleep until 8:00 every morning! Also, I'm getting to work from home full time, which is something I've wanted to do for as long as I've had my illness. Even though it's nearly impossible to get much done with a preschooler on my hands, it's still so nice to finally have that option. The last few weeks, I've also been able to take advantage of the Family Care Act, so that I can focus solely on parenting, and not worry about the pressures of work on top of it all.
So even though some of my worst symptoms have escalated, the quarantine has actually had some positive effects on my health as well. I have always been transparent about the stress from my job, and although it's been very disappointing having to cancel event after event, with months of work down the drain, the diminished pressures have done wonders for my mental and physical health. Staying home also means I've not been subjected to all the daily environmental and chemical stressors that wreak havoc on my body - car exhaust, smoke, perfume, mold, cleaning products etc. And, if I'm being honest, I'm rather enjoying time away from people. I've come to realize how exhausting it is to "put my normal face on" every day - to act like there is nothing wrong with me, to cover up the fact that I'm having to push myself really hard just to get through my day, and to live up to the daily expectations that people have on me as though I'm not suffering through a chronic illness.
So far, there have only been a few days that have really dragged me down. Some of the hardest ones with my preschooler have ended in tears of frustration and exhaustion. It's also tough not to get depressed in this current situation at times, when every day is nearly the same and there is no end in sight. And, as always, it's hard not to compare your life with those you see on social media. I roll my eyes so hard at the celebrities who say "we are all alone together" as they quarantine in their vacation homes with a gorgeous view and amenities most of us can only dream of. Or the kid-less people who revel in the time they are getting to learn new skills or hobbies, or finish all the projects on their to-do list. Even the "View from my Window" Facebook group - it's so cool to see images from around the world, but also makes me realize just how drab our view is.
Yet every day, I remind myself just how lucky we really are. Both my husband and I have been able to keep our jobs and work with flexible schedules. We get to work from home. We have a roof over our heads, electricity and all the comforts of home. We are safe. Despite limited food sources, we have full bellies. We are getting to focus on what really matters, and engage in quality family bonding that wouldn't be happening otherwise. We are even saving money on things like childcare and gas, contacts and makeup, and, let's be honest, probably shampoo too.
Still, I'm about ready for this to be over. My heart breaks for those who have experienced major loss - death of family members, financial hits, social milestones missed - and for those who aren't as fortunate as we are. I'm scared about what this will do to our economy and what it means for a lot of people. I'm ready to see my extended family, to go on beach trips, to have play dates and get back on a revised routine. I know everyone must feel this way, including our children. As I was putting my daughter to bed last night, she said, "Mommy, I'm ready for the sickness to be over. I miss my friends." Breaks my heart.
I pray that we not only get back to normal soon, but that we can come back stronger than ever. That we remember to appreciate the simple things we used to take advantage of. That we continue to foster our relationships and stay connected with one another, rather than being so connected to our phones. That we remember to always add rest into our hectic schedules and keep in mind what's really important in our lives. Until we see each other again...hang in there, everyone!
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And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed.
~Kitty O'Meara
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