Those of you who know me well, know that I’m a bit of a control freak. Not the power trip kind of control, but the silent “wishing I could do it all myself” kind of control. I’ll admit I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist (ok, more than a bit) and it especially rings true in my career. When I have a vision for my events, I’d really rather bring it to fruition on my own – right down to the handwriting on the signs. I’m not saying I’m the best, most creative person, by any means, I just simply have a hard time letting go.
(Especially this kind of stuff – I love doing it and don’t want anyone else to help!)
That’s why this past month has been extra hard on me, mentally and physically. There are things happening to my body that I have absolutely no control over and no understanding as to WHY they are happening, thus no way to fix them. For instance, in the last 3 weeks – every single minute of every single day – I’ve had such a horrible stomachache that I feel like throwing up. I’m no stranger to these symptoms – I lived with it for over 3 years – but the hard part is, I thought I had this part of the disease under control.
I’ve also suddenly time-warped back to my junior high days, dealing with issues I never thought I’d have to face again. The only good thing is that this time I don’t have to worry about what a bunch of cruel teenagers are going to think of me! God, I’m glad those days are over. I’d give anything to go back to feeling good again, but those are certainly not the years I would wish to re-live! On top of my teenage-like crisis, I’ve developed symptoms I didn’t think I’d have to deal with until I was old and gray. All of a sudden it’s like I’m 15 and 80, with menopause on top. Seriously, if anyone does invent some sort of time machine - I’d love to go back to the carefree days of 7, or the party days of 25!
(The girl cousins having a Luau at Grandma and Grandpa’s house/Cinco de Mayo, Spokane – 2007)
Anyway, last week I met with my doctor, and I went in hopeful that we could zap a bunch of these symptoms away. I should have felt good that she took 2 1/2 hours out of her day to talk with me about everything that’s going on. Instead, I left her office in tears – frustrated, hopeless and worst of all – like everything was spiraling out of control.
I’ve shared this before, but I was so elated when I was finally diagnosed last April with Lyme and had an answer to all my problems. No more expensive tests and procedures, no more running to doctor after doctor, desperate to find a solution. But so far, my 2015 has been just like my 2008-2013. I’m constantly spending all my free time in doctor offices and money on expensive tests. For one, my primary doctor is just sure that my back pain is NOT Lyme related. She’s ordering another MRI and strongly suggests I get another back surgery. She’s throwing out words like, spondylolisthesis, ALS and paralysis. I’ve been strongly encouraged to take at least 6 weeks off work (why do all my doctors think this is an option for me??) and start doing IV treatments at least 4 times a week. Did I mention her office is an hour away?
She’s frustrated with my lack of progress and had no problem taking it out on me. Like I have a choice in the matter? I tell her I’m convinced the Lyme bacteria have moved into my nervous system, and hate that I can’t explain to her exactly what the pain is like. She tells me that she’s convinced the infection has gotten into either my spine or my brain. Either way, it’s a scary thought.
I’ll always remember one thing she told me in our first visit – that those of us with Lyme have a constant war going on in our bodies. This is where I imagine the scene from Braveheart. Only I’m Mel Gibson, and my army has turned against me and joined the other side.
HERE’S ME
HERE’S ME AGAINST LYME, THOSE BASTARDS
*FUN FACTS*
Did you know that the Lyme spirochete can get in ANYWHERE in your body? They deeply embed themselves inside tendons, nerves, muscle, the heart, and even the brain. This is why people with Lyme die, become paralyzed, have seizures, can’t walk…and so on. The bacteria are so highly evolved that they can camouflage themselves from our own immune system and learn how to hide from things like antibiotics.
