Jealousy. It’s something that we all struggle with at one point or another in life, and is definitely an emotion that I hate to admit I have always battled. High school was probably some of the worst – envious of the pretty girls, the kids who received a brand new car on their 16th birthday, my classmates who all got to go to Edmonton for our Senior Trip when I wasn’t allowed, the list goes on.
I do feel assured that I’m not alone and that everyone encounters these this feeling throughout life. But there is one thing that I envy more than anything in this world, and that is health. Every day I think to myself, “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” when otherwise healthy people complain about a sore throat, a sore back, a stomach ache, or a sleepless night. It’s not that I don’t feel for you – chances are very high that I don’t just sympathize, I can empathize. But what I wouldn’t give to have just a week-long cold or stomach flu or back-ache!
There is one other big point of envy for me, and it especially hits this time of year. Conversations in person, and especially pictures on Facebook make me so, so jealous, and that is….vacations! Last weekend we were with a group of couples where everyone there was talking about the places they’ve been or are going with each other – the cruises, the islands, the plane rides. Leigh and I had nothing to say. A few weeks ago, at a local coffee stand, the owner was talking about leaving for Maui that day and exclaimed, “you’ve never been to Hawaii?!!” Let me tell you, honey, I would if I could! Unfortunately, right now, a vacation for me is when I get to go 3 days in a row without seeing a doctor.
I used to talk about being a photographer for National Geographic – mixing my two passions of taking photos and seeing the world. I would give ANYTHING to pick up and travel - to experience every culture and see every one of God’s scenic creations. I have been lucky enough to see parts of Western Europe through a college course, and it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.
High school FBLA gave me the chance to see Chicago and DC – not my favorite cities, but still awesome to travel to the other side of the country. My grandparent’s used to take a set of grandkids each year on a trip when we were little - so my twin and I got to see places like Mount Rushmore and the Badlands…something I should have appreciated even more than I did at the time. Road trips with the family have also given me the fortune of seeing a majority of the western US, and for that I am grateful! But I am selfish, dammit, I want to see MORE!!!
Unfortunately, all of our money is spent on my medical bills. When I think about how many vacations we could have gone on with the fortune I’ve spent over the last 8 years, it literally makes me want to throw up. And it’s not just the money that keeps us from going – at this point I have a hard enough time sitting down for a meal at a restaurant, or in a 5 minute car ride, let alone traveling on a plane and exploring the world. Life is so unfair! I do know that I’m lucky to have seen what I’ve seen and done what I’ve done. And there are a lot of people out there who have been, or are going through, much worse things than I. But still, that jealousy rages on.
I’m hoping that one day things will get better. That I will be able to sit, stand and walk without so much pain and that my husband and I can enjoy life and see the things we want to see. Until then, I will try very hard to be happy for all of you who are healthy and who get to travel. I will live vicariously through your fun and beautiful pictures and make notes of what other places I want to see when I reach remission! I encourage all of you who are healthy and do get to travel and go on vacations, to please cherish every moment. And for those of you who are in the same sinking boat as me, I pray that God will suppress our envy and one day grant us our wishes.
