Last month the hubby and I saw "Insurgent" in the theater. It was just as gripping, and dare I say, even better than the first. Even so, we both had a major two hour distraction. Shortly after finding our seats, a single guy with a backpack came up and sat right behind us. I try not to judge, but he was really quite sketchy-looking and kept talking to himself.
Paranoid movie-goer that I am now, this blaring red flag kept sending gun scenarios racing through my brain. Usually my
husband assures me that the chances of something like that happening are slim, but I could tell even he was nervous this time. Let me tell you, the sound of a zipper behind us was much scarier than Janine's attack on the Divergents. Near the end of the movie, Mr. McCreepster walked out of the theater and left his bag behind. I swear to God, I almost had Leigh check it for a bomb. We had both convinced ourselves that this guy was going to go on a killing rampage, and that we would be the first to go.
Needless to say, we're still alive. But that moment in time really got me thinking about all the bad things that are happening in the world - natural disasters, shootings and stabbings, car accidents, war...it's a rare sight to see positive news stories these days and very easy to feel unsafe everywhere we go.
Just in our area recently, within a matter of a week, one young woman drove off the side of an overpass onto the freeway, a young couple and their baby were crushed by a falling piece of cement from a bridge construction site, and 2 people died in a kayaking accident.
So many people dying, and so much suffering. Cancer and disease running rampant. People killing babies who don't want them, when those that do are trying desperately to conceive. Even the rich and famous blowing money on silly material possessions, while others struggle to keep a roof over their heads. It's a messed up world that we live in, and only seems to be getting worse.
Contemplating these earthly disasters, my question always remains the same. "Why?? Why did that child have to die of leukemia? Why are these kids in our schools resorting to such violence? Why did that earthquake or tornado cause so much destruction?" I know that there are a lot of people going through much worse things than I am, but I continually ask the same question about my situation. "Why did I get this disease, and why am I not getting better after all this time?"
It's really hard not to slip into a depressed state of mind. I often find myself wondering what the point of life is, if I don't get to enjoy it? Every day, I wake up (in pain), go to work (all my symptoms continually worsening throughout the day) and then come home, make dinner, collapse on the couch, go to bed and start it all over again the next day. Just the thought of going out to dinner or drinks, or any other simple activity, gives me anxiety, because I know how difficult it will be. Both to manage my symptoms and to keep up my smiling, social exterior. Now, too, we are at the point in life where we really want to start a family. But there are so many obstacles with my health - both to get pregnant and to take care of a child once we do. Still, we feel ready, but why is it not happening?
(Can you blame me for really wanting a baby when I have the cutest niece in the world?) ;)
I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and looking back at my life, this really has rung true in most every regard. If I hadn't lost that job in real estate, I may never have had the opportunity to get into the event planning industry. I nearly cancelled my match.com account, RIGHT before I got that first email from my now-husband. I have the great job I have now because Leigh's job brought us over to Olympia and because things at my last job had been going poorly enough to want to leave, right at the time OMB posted my current job online.
So it's not just about having faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to, it's believing in the timing of it all. Here's a good verse to remember:
I'll be the first to admit that I am one of the world's most impatient persons. When I'm ready for things to happen, I want them to happen NOW! It's definitely a constant battle that I face - wanting things to materialize by my own timing and of my own accord. I want to be healed now, I want to have a baby now, and I want to be settled in a house now - in the perfect town with the perfect job. The most difficult part of this to admit is that some, or all, of these things may not ever happen in this lifetime.
When we first started going back to church last summer, I was placed in one of those services where I felt like everything the pastor said was directed right at me. One of the phrases he spoke really stuck with me:
"Delays of love usually indicate God wants to do something far greater and grand in your life."
Remembering this truth helps get me through each day. I still battle with doubts, but ultimately I know it will all work out. It may not be what I want, when I want it, but I trust that what God has planned for my life will be exactly what I need when I need it.
