I've been a little more abscent from blogging for a while for a couple reasons - one because I'm so busy, and two because I'm having less nights where I wake up at 3 or 4 am. So the latter sure is a good thing! I don't know if I can take this as a sign of improvement since I still take a LOT of things at night just to sleep, but hey, I'll take it!
Coming back from the long weekend, I'm having to put the petal to the metal to get things done for my big event next weekend - so much to do in so little time is such a cliche, but it's never been more applicable to my life. And, wow, is my body sure showing signs of stress! My pain level is higher than ever - and in ever perfect timing - I'm almost out of pain meds and not hearing back from my doctor on refills. I'll admit that over the course of two years I've most definitely come to be dependent on that green bottle.
Yes, I know it isn't good for me. My liver certainly hates me for it. But like I've said before, it's the only thing that gets me through my days. I can barely move every morning that I wake up and those magic white pills help me function a little more like a regular human being, at least for a few hours. So needless to say, I'm kind of freaking out that I only have a few left. Especially because when events come around, I end up needing even more than usual. Bring on the lectures if you'd like, I don't expect most people to understand. My doctors get it, since they both have Lyme themselves, which is helpful. One of them told me she knows what it's like to pop vicadin like skittles.
But I have hope that this won't go on forever.
Last week, I had three amazing moments. Two mornings, on my way into work, I had about 10 minutes where I felt like my old self. The pain was gone, but even better than that - I felt pure JOY. I'm sad to say that I haven't had that feeling since this all started over 8 years ago. Over the years I've often yearned for my personality to be like it used to be, but I honestly had forgotten what it felt like. Of course it didn't take long for my pain and nausea to set back in, but it sure was nice to know my old self is still in there somewhere!
Over the weekend, the hubby and I took a trip around the Olympic Peninsula. It was the best thing we've done in a long while and so amazing to see God's beautiful creation here in the PNW! We did a LOT of hiking, and I'm proud to say as hard as it was, I kept up with him the whole time! This is a major feat considering I have a hard time just walking through the grocery store most weeks. Now granted, this was all done with tramadol coursing through my veins. But I'm encouraged to know that even though I had to push myself way harder than I ever thought possible, I still have the strength and endurance to climb mountains! I certainly paid the price every night, and even into this week, but man was it worth it!
My third feeling of freedom from the disease was on our last day of the trip where we hit up several beaches along the coast. Those of you who know me well know that my favorite thing in the world is the ocean. I dream to live on the beach and die on the beach. There is just something about those crashing waves, salty air and ocean breeze! Even on a cloudy, misty day, like it was - I felt such happiness! My pain had slipped away and for one of the few times in our seven year relationship, I felt like a normal person in a normal relationship that wasn't bogged down with pills, doctor appointments, turned-down social outings and painful nights on the couch. I told Leigh that I think I need to self-prescribe a life on the coast for some ultimate healing. I'd take that over pill popping any day!
So anyway, as horrible as I feel right now from the stress, and from pushing myself so hard on our trip, I have hope that the joy that resides deep down inside of me will one day come back and stay longer than a 10 minute period of time. That I will be able to live like a normal 30-something, without having to rely on my pain meds every moment of the day. I cannot wait!
Cheers to a happy, pain-free future!
