Last week I went to see the doctor in Seattle who originally diagnosed me with Lyme. I had stopped seeing him in person last year because he seemed a little off after my first visit (he has Lyme himself) and was always so quick to dole out tons of prescriptions. So up to this point, we had been doing calls every few months, just so I could refill my pain medication. But I have been unhappy with my current naturopathic Lyme doctor, and after a year of no change, decided to go back.
It was a very frustrating day, to say the least.
No stranger to the horrible traffic we get on I-5, I left with plenty of time to get to my morning appointment. But accident after accident put me well behind schedule. Siri, the smart gal that she usually is, told me to exit early for a quicker route. I was all too happy to get off the messy freeway. Cruising through residential areas like a mad woman, I was elated to see that I was only going to be 5 minutes late! But as soon as I "arrived at my destination" I knew something was terribly wrong. It turns out that the doctors office, now on 2nd Ave W, used to be on 2nd Ave N! And traffic to cross the westside bridge was bumper to bumper. I about cried, thinking I had gone through all of that, taken time off work, just to miss my appointment. Thankfully they were able to adjust schedules around, and I arrived 45 minutes later. Now I know not to enter their business name into google maps, and to never, ever trust Siri again.
My doctor appointment itself didn't go that much better. He took a look at my protocols over the last 9 months and basically told me it was all for nothing. That the doctor never put me on a high enough dosage or combo of antibiotics to even make a dent with the Lyme. My previous doc, Dr. D, was quite certain that I have Bartonella (one of the many co-infections) and was mostly treating me for that first. But Dr. R doesn't even think I have it! Dr. D had also been ready to put me on IV treatments (a very costly, brutal and long process) but Dr. R. doesn't think I am anywhere close to resorting to that.
My question is this: WHAT. THE. HELL????? Who do I trust? At this point I can't tell if they are all out to make a buck on me, or if they both really believe that their way is the best way. Because Dr. D had also told me in past sessions that she didn't believe some of the stuff Dr. R. was giving me worked on Lyme patients. I know doctors are human too, but come on guys! I wanted to scream, much like I had in the car earlier that morning. ;) All this time, money and effort that I've put in the last year now seems like a waste, and I'm more lost and confused than ever. Back to square one, only now I'm feeling much worse than I was a year ago.
We had our Auction at work a few weekends ago. I'm not even sure how I did it, since my mobility has decreased so much over the last few months, and the pain has only gotten worse. Even though this is my favorite event to plan, I had been looking forward to it being over. The way my body had felt so much worse before the Home Shows earlier this year, and then better after, I was just sure that once my stress melted away, my pain would also slightly diminish. Except it hasn't, and in fact, it's even worse. I'm pretty sure this medical mumbo-jumbo is causing me just as much stress.
In addition the confusion with my doctor visits, I'm overwhelmed by other treatment options out there. Every week I'm told of new methods to treat Lyme, in addition to my regular research. I'm very thankful for all of my friends and family, and others, who care enough about me to pass this information along. But there are so many different "solutions" out there - how am I to know what will work for me? Just this week, I've had 4 people pass along new ideas for doctors, products and treatment plans. Every time I research something, I find that most things work for some people but not for others. There are so many Lyme patients all over the country, as desperate as I am, grasping at anything that may work - you wouldn't believe how many different options there are - and my head is about ready to explode. How do I know what will work for ME?
I am desperate for healing, yes. But after 8 years of spending money on new products in hopes of relief, of visiting doctor after doctor, trying new treatments and tests and surgeries, I am feeling quite done. I've been walking in the dark, hoping someone will turn on the lights, and I'm really stumbling right now.
Don't take this as I'm giving up, because I'm not. There are just times when the disease really gets a person down, and this is one of them. I'm more than ready for someone to come up with a cure and fill the rest of us in on it. Or at least for someone to take my hand and say THIS is the way for YOU. There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel, I just hope I find it sooner than later.
