I'm having a tough time right now. Usually I keep this kind of thing mostly to myself (and to my poor husband), but I've decided to lay it all out there. Every once in a while I have moments of deep depression. The kind where you don't want to get out of bed and live. A friend said it best yesterday, it's the last day of the year and I've hit the perfect storm.
Let's take it back a week. I fricking LOVE Christmas. I wish I could feel how I do during this holiday, all of the time. It's such a mood lifter! And one of my favorite things about it is that I get to spend time with my family.
The week didn't go without difficult moments. Between driving to my hometown, up to Idaho for my appointment, back to Odessa and then back to Olympia, we travelled at least 16 hours. Traffic and weather made it even longer than normal and it was very, very painful being in the car that long. And although I had to bow out of a handful of activities throughout the week, I did find myself pushing extra hard to be able to participate. We went to a candelight service at church and I was in SO much pain from sitting in the hard wooden pew that I almost had to leave. It was a somewhat relaxing week, but between that and dealing with post-treatment symptoms, I easily could have another week off of life to recuperate.
Anyway, it's always been difficult for me to get motivated to get back to real life after the holidays - and from what I hear, I'm not the only one this happens to! However, this phenomenon has gotten much worse for me since moving to Olympia. Every time we go back to Eastern Washington, my heart gets heavier when it's time to come back to the west side. Every trip back makes me realize more and more, how much I miss living there.
Mostly, I miss my family. Not just because we are close and I love them dearly, and I feel happiest when I am around them. But because I feel that when I'm home I can be myself, and not pretend to be full of sunshine and rainbows all the time. That for the most part, as much as one who doesn't have Lyme can understand what I'm going through, my family makes me feel like they get it. My little sister cooked me breakfast every morning because she knows how hard it is for me to do such simple actions. She made me gluten free Christmas cookies so I could feel included, and my mom went above and beyond to make an extra dish at each dinner that I could eat. They do what they can to make me comfortable - right down to moving the comfy living room recliner into the dining room so I can join in on game night.
We stayed a night in Spokane with my brother and his girlfriend and had such a great time visiting places we used to frequent. Every time we go there I wish more than anything that we could move back.
We weren't in town long enough to see many friends, but I miss them too. New Years Eve used to be such a great night to look forward to. Now I dread this day because it never fails to put me into a deeper depression, mostly because I'm so sad that we don't have friends here. However, even if we did, I know that my body wouldn't allow me to do much anyway, which makes me feel even more sorry for myself. And it's hard to celebrate a year gone by, or look forward to a new one, when the last 8 have been quite hellish. I try to be positive, especially now that I've done my new treatment, but I must have left that optimism behind in Eastern WA as well.
The one thing I used to say when we moved to Olympia was that I was glad we didn't have to deal with snow anymore - the shoveling, the driving etc. For some reason, this time, I was absolutely loving the white stuff! I'm glad we get to experience it for Christmas when we go home, but I sure miss having four seasons. Here, our seasons are rain, rain and more rain.
Of course it doesn't help that my symptoms aren't great right now and that I happen to hit that time of the month that every husband just loves. Poor guy. My pain is much worse and I feel very very tired. I'm not sleeping worth a darn. My fungal sinus infection seemed to be better while we were gone, but as soon as we got home, things flared up majorly again. That alone makes me want to move out of here!
And then there is the traffic. Horrid, horrid traffic that makes me want to scream. Which sometimes, I do. I-5 makes I-90 seem like heaven.
Anyway, this post is selfishly mostly for myself, as a way to vent, so my husband doesn't have to hear it anymore. But I also want you guys to know the real me. As much as I try to stay positive through all of this, sometimes I just get really tired of that.
I have only one true wish for 2016, and that is happiness. I still try to trust that God has a plan for our lives and that everything will happen with the time is right. But I wouldn't be mad if the Bedells had a few life changers next year. Remission is the obvious choice. Moving, that would be great too. If the 2nd one doesn't happen, and, well, even if it did, I'd also love a little Bedell bundle of joy to enter our lives.
So that's it, how I'm really feeling in the moment. Been up since 3:30am, so I'm not even sure if I'll make it to see the ball drop this year. I hope you all have a safe and fun night and are blessed in the New Year to come!
