In Sickness and in Health

For better or for worse. Those are some powerful vows to take. No one thinks when they are standing up at that alter, that they will be part of a large statistic of couples who don't keep them. It's difficult to imagine, on the happiest day of your life, that the future may not be everything you expected. In sickness and in health. Another phrase that you never think, on that day, is something that will really pertain to you.

For Leigh and I, we had already been through two years of my sickness prior to the wedding. But at that time it was mostly just digestive issues - I say "just" like it was a little thing. It definitely wasn't, but we had no idea just how much more challenging things were going to get for us.

I wanted to write this blog, so that people understand how difficult the disease can be for the spouse/partner involved as well.

I'm not one to keep up on celebrity gossip, but I couldn't help but notice all the recent articles relaying news that Yolanda Foster - the Real Housewife of BH who has been very public in her fight with Lyme - is getting a divorce. While you can't believe everything you read, almost every article I've seen is contributing their seperation to her health, or lack therof. I've also seen that Avril Lavigne (who opened up this last year about being diagnosed) separated from her husband, Chad Kroger, as well.

When I watched the sequel to "Under our Skin, I couldn't help but notice that several of the stars of the first movie proclaimed that they had divorced from their spouses as well. Lyme forums are filled with people reaching out for help with their marriage, looking for advice on how to fix a broken relationship because of this awful disease. It seems to be more common than not, and a fact that makes me very sad for all of the couples and families involved in such travesty.

I can see why it happens so frequently, because not everyone is cut out to be a pillar of strength. Here are some of the things that we have had to deal with firsthand, that I know is all too common amongst Lyme families:

1. Lack of social life: We rarely get to go out and do fun things. I'm not kidding when I say that most of my time away from work is spent on the couch. It's hard to believe how active we used to be, compared to our routine now. It's hard for me to sit in any chair that isn't completely cushiony and comfortable - so we rarely go out to eat anymore. We've lost touch with friends, and have even been eliminated from facebook groups, because we aren't able to participate anymore. Leigh loves to hike, but always has to go on his own, because I can barely walk through the house without pain, let alone a full-out excursion. I often feel sorry for myself because I have to miss out on things, but I feel even worse because my husband often has to miss out on life, because of me, as well.

2. Financial trouble: Everyone knows that the number one problem in marriages is financial woes. Fortunately for us, fighting over finances hasn't been an issue. However, we are in a lot of debt because of me. We can't afford to do things that a lot of people normally do, like buy a house, or go on vacation, because of my disease.

3. Future Bedells: We both have been wanting to start a family for a while now. I'm praying it's still in the cards for us, and hopefully sooner than later. But I'm not the only one in this relationship that has to suffer with feeling an emptiness that could be filled with having kids.

4. Emotional Toil: I save the biggest one for last, because there are so many layers to it. Where to begin?

First of all, you must know that as Lyme disease progresses, it can attack the nervous system, producing, mood swings, anxiety and depression, panic attacks, obsessive behavior, sudden rages and other psychiatric diagnoses. I've dealt with all of these things first hand, and they suck. But it's even worse for my spouse. This is where I'm going to be even more open and honest.

This disease has changed me. I've noticed that over the years I've have developed into a more bitter, joyless, pessimistic person - and most of that I attribute to the challenges I've faced. But there is an even worse Brianna that sometimes comes out, and so far only my husband has seen it. I can't explain what the Lyme does to your brain, but it's almost like an out-of-body experience, all Ebenezer Scrooge-like, as though I'm looking down on myself to this demon that occasionally comes out of my body. They call it Lyme rage. I've been known to scream, throw things across the room, and even turn to violence. Even as I'm writing this, I can't believe that this happens to me sometimes. It usually comes out of nowhere too.

I have majorly depressive days as well. It's gotten a lot worse since moving to where we are now, further away from my family and friends. Usually it only lasts a day or two, but when it happens, it really drags us both down. This disease can make you feel so alone. It's a hard pill to swallow when people don't understand what you're going through. You feel like crap every single day, and when people stop asking how you're doing, or treat you like you simply have a case of the sniffles, it really starts to get to you. I'm constantly convincing myself that no one cares, not even my husband - even when I know deep down that it isn't true.

As you can guess, this gets frustrating for him as well. And every once in a while he has break down moments too - which is when I learn just how much turmoil he is carrying on his shoulders, how tired he is of seeing me so sick, and how badly he wants me to get better. Not just for him, but for me.

When you have Lyme, your entire world revolves around the disease. All you can think about is how bad you feel. And you want so much for people to understand, that it's mostly all you can talk about. For myself I believe that I'm constantly mentioning my symptoms, not just to complain, but as a subconsious cry out for someone to finally understand what I'm dealing with. That maybe if I explain it just once more, then maybe they will understand. As you can guess, this gets a little old for the person I'm living with.

Leigh and I met just 5 days before my gallbladder was removed - the tramatic event that turned my world upside down. I know it was more than coincidence that led us both to match.com. I had been about to cancel my account before receiving his email, and also had been considering a trip to New Jersey to meet the guy I had been talking to for months that next February! But God had other plans in mind. Not only was the timing insanely perfect, but so was His plan for who my husband was meant to be.

Because I truly believe that I could have been among the fallen to divorce, if it wasn't Leigh that I had married. Living with Lyme requires a very special person as your partner. People often tell me how nice my husband is - good natured, good humored, laid back - and all these things are true. He really balances me out, especially these days.

It can be so tempting to want to give up on each other, to walk away and just end it. The fear and feelings of failure can constantly prey on your mind. When an illness becomes a central focus of life, it can be easy to feel that you are no longer important to your partner. Or even worse, and what rings the most true for me, are the feelings of guilt - those constant thoughts that this isn't what your spouse signed up for.

Last night we rang in the New Year on the couch, same as last year. Me, writhing in pain, and him helplessly watching, and trying to rub the pain and anguish away. It was difficult for me, knowing that most people were having fun celebrating a year gone by and a new one to come. But even harder than that, knowing how sad this life has become for my husband and wondering how many more days like this we will have.

But however hard this journey has been, and even though I wish my husband didn't have to endure it all with me, I'm just as grateful that I have him by my side. I say that I couldn't have lasted without him. And that's kind of cliche. But I honestly don't know if I would still be here today if he wasn't with me through it all. For as lonely as I can feel even now, I can't imagine how it would have been without my husband.

I can honestly say it's really hard to be positive right now. Because we've had many New Years where we have said, "this has got to be our year, it HAS to get better," yet we are continually setting ourselves up for disappointment. It's much easier to say that you have faith, than to actually believe it to be true.

I don't know if 2016 is our year of change, but deep down I know it will come, on God's time. He knew exactly when to place Leigh in my life and He knows exactly when the end of our suffering will come. I hope for my sake, but even more for my husband's, that 2016 will bring some great things to our lives.