I've always known that stress and Lyme disease are a lethal combination. I've become particularly aware of this over the last three years, when pain became my number one problem. It's been the most apparent when I have a big event coming up - a lot of my symptoms flare up around this time. Which, of course, is the worst possible scenario - because it is during my events that I, ideally, need to be feeling my best.
This week has been even more of an eye opener for me.
On Monday night, I had the craziest thing happen. Although I still woke up a bunch of times throughout the night, every time my eyes opened, the first thing I noticed was that I was barely in any pain! I didn't feel an immediate need to reach for my heating pad, or toss and turn to find a more "comfortable" position, and then finally get up because there was no comfortable position. This is such a rare occurance (I'm talking maybe 4 times over the last year) that I didn't even know what to do with myself. For the first time in a long time, when my body woke up at the usual 3:30am time, I was actually able to go back to sleep. Never in my life have I wanted to stay in bed so badly when my alarm went off that next morning, because it felt so good to be without the pain!
I made it through the day with only one narcotic, and to my amazement - even though I couldn't fall back asleep after the 3:30 wake up call on Tuesday night - I had another night of nearly no pain!
I've talked before about all the different beds and products I've tried, to make myself more comfortable at night. We're still paying off the new bed I'm in right now, but I've been actively looking on craigslist for a new mattress and contemplating selling the current one, in desperate need to get some relief. This decision was made in large part, because nearly every time we've gone out of town, I've slept better, and usually with less pain, in a different bed. Now, I'm starting to realize that it may not be the mattress itself that's increasing my pain levels, so much as my environmental factors.
So back to this week....I don't know what caused this anomaly, but I was starting to think that maybe things were beginning to take a turn for the better. While I was by no means pain free, the decrease was enough that made me think I could actually do things again. For instance, I was able to cook dinner for the first time in a while - and even though that caused enough pain to still be on the couch for the rest of the night, to me, it was progress!
Then Wednesday came around. I had already been feeling a little stressed at work, with 2 of my biggest events just around the corner - one of which I am at crunch time with, as well as a ton of extra things on the side. Then came a meeting that increased my anxiety tenfold. A larger workload, which was to be expected - but with an unforseen urgency that blew my anxiety through the roof. My pain levels escalated enormously in that moment, and over the course of the last few days, have continued to progress into some of the worst pain I've had in a long time.
I've tried to tell myself not to think about it so much. That I always get things done on time, and that there is no sense in stressing. But my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate. I had a float session that night, and the opportunity for relaxation couldn't have come at a better time. But all I could think about was my workload.
Over the years, I've had many doctors tell me that avoiding stress is crucial to combating this disease. Some have been subtle, while others have been quite direct - flat out telling me I should quit working, and re-evaluate my priorities - or at least consider a different career path. I really can't imagine doing anything else, and obviously not working isn't an option. But I know that a lot of people with Lyme are forced to go that route. When do you get to that point? I don't know.
I'm stubborn, I'm a fighter, and frankly - we need to pay the bills. I wish there was an off button I could push, or a pill I could take, to eliminate the stress. I wish I didn't have to work. But most of all, I wish that this disease would just go away already, so I could deal with stress like a normal person.
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