This last Wednesday was a day I had been waiting for, for a month. But really, it was something I have been looking forward to for 4 years - a day when I would possibly, finally, get an answer to why I've been in so much pain for so long. Injection day!
The procedure is called a sacroiliac (SI) joint injection, or a SI joint block. While it can be used to treat the pain, this week's injection was to be purely diagnostic - a method to determine whether or not I have SI joint dysfunction, and which nerve could be causing my troubles.
Hubby and I both took the day off of work and drove a couple hours north, on traffic-laden Interstate 5, to the Swedish Hospital. We navigated the poorly planned parking lot in a futile attempt to find a nearby spot, only to have to walk what seemed like miles to me - because every step with this pain has become excruciating, not to mention the fact that my pregnant bladder was about ready to explode. All I could think about at the time was how much I hurt, how badly I needed a restroom, and how famished I was, since I had to fast all morning. Baby and I need to eat dang it!!! :)
Once we found the registration desk, the check-in process went pretty seamlessly, and before I knew it I was sitting in a hospital room with an IV in my hand, prepped and ready for procedure. After an inquisition from the nurses, the doctor came in to meet me and ask her own questions. She had me bend forward and backward to establish pain levels - which seems to be the go-to diagnostic tool for doctors these days, even though that's not the kind of thing that affects my pain and does nothing to show them what's going on.
Near the end of our visit, she asked how I felt about the sedative. I, in turn, asked her if, or how, it would affect the baby. She gave some answer that I don't even remember any more, then went back to the computer to look at my file, with a bit of an odd look on her face. She asked if the doctor who ordered my injection knew that I was pregnant. I told her, "yes, we talked about it several times!....did he not make note of it?". She rolled her eyes a bit - to which I simply took as, "men, and their lack of attention to detail".
But then her face turned somber. She explained that in order to do the procedure, she would be performing under fluoroscope (X-ray guidance) for accuracy, and that because the X-ray would be going right through our baby, she couldn't do the injection. At first I was in denial. When the injection was first ordered, I had initially wondered if it would be safe during pregnancy, but thought that since the doctor knew I had a bun in the oven that it must be okay. So then I thought, "well, there must be another way." After a little contemplation on her part, the doctor explained that she could use ultrasound instead, but she made it quite clear that it wouldn't be a recommended route.
She drew a picture to show how accurate the needle placement would be with X-ray versus ultrasound and explained that it'd basically be a 100% diagnosis versus a complete guess. At this point, of course, I was crying like a big baby, so completely devastated. Part of me wanted to try the ultrasound anyway, so desperate for a shot at an answer. But the other part of me knew that we should probably wait until after the baby is born. The doctor also talked about the possible dangers of injecting steroid into my body while pregnant. I already knew this was a huge risk, since steroids can wreak major havoc on a body riddled with Lyme disease, but I hadn't realized it could cause other complications to myself and the baby.
I'm already subjecting our baby to narcotics every day, not to mention the fact that I'm probably passing on the Lyme disease, so there is obviously no way that I'm doing any more that could harm or affect our baby's health. Side note, we just learned the day before that our baby will need to stay in the hospital longer than normal so they can wean him/her off of the drugs - more sad news.
So that was that. Nothing more they can do until, at least, November. I cried pretty much the whole way home, the rest of the day, and nearly every night since. I feel so incredibly sure at this point, that the SI joint is my problem. And I had hoped with such fervency that I would finally have this pain under control by the time the baby is born.
Of course, since pregnancy has major effects on the SI joint itself - my pain levels have doubled in the past few weeks. I didn't think this could really happen since I'm already at a 10/10 pain scale most of the time.
Naturally, my mental state has traveled back down a deep, dark hole. I feel like I'm never going to find a solution, and that I'm destined to live this way forever. Like I'm in this room where not only are all the doors closed, but they have been locked, with all the keys thrown away. Obviously I know deep down that that's not true....and I've lived like this for 4 years, what's another 5 months, right? But I keep thinking that yet another door was closed on us for a reason. Maybe the injection would have caused a whole host of new problems and life would have been even harder to live. Maybe there is a better solution out there for me.
It makes me think of the time, shortly after getting sick, when I was unexpectedly let go from a job. It seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time. But shortly after that, I landed a position in catering sales - which ultimately got me to where I am today in the event world - exactly where I've always wanted to be.
So as hopeless and brokenhearted as I feel most of the time right now, I'm trying really hard to focus on the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there is a secret door in this room and that one day soon it will open up and show me light.
