Lately I've been feeling really over this whole Lyme disease thing. Perhaps it's the fact that 10 years of illness and searching for a needle-in-a-haystack "cure" has gotten the better of me. But, really, I think it's more that I have this pregnancy, and our baby girl, to focus on now.
The other day someone asked me a question about Lyme, and I found myself not even wanting to talk to much about it. I feel burnt out on trying to convey what words cannot explain - the horror of what the disease has done to my body (physically, mentally, emotionally), the never-ending quest to finding answers from unknowing doctors; the daily pain and anguish that I've gone through, unbeknownst to those who don't know me well.
I'm more confused now, than ever, on what may be causing my symptoms - and honestly I've almost reached the point of not caring. Is it Lyme? Is it pregnancy? Is the mystery pain that no one can explain a spinal issue? Who the hell knows. It's more frustrating than words can explain, but I think I've succumbed to the fact that I just may never know.
I had my last follow up Lyme treatment in Idaho right before getting pregnant, so although I vaguely remember starting to feel better for a few weeks afterwards - well, then that little stick turned pink and I received a whole host of new, and returning, symptoms. So now I'm in the boat where I'm completely unsure if the treatment worked or not. Since they say that Lyme symptoms often get better during pregnancy (and worse after) - I guess I won't know until after November if I'm truly in any kind of remission or not.
A lot of people continue to send me articles, treatment ideas, etc. etc. on Lyme disease - and I really do appreciate it! - but I don't plan on doing anything else about it until I see what happens once baby girl is born. As weird as it feels to not be doing a thing about the Lyme for now, it's honestly really nice at the same time.
The pain is still a major issue that I wish I could get addressed, however. And again, I still don't know if it's because of my Lyme or something else altogether. For those of you who missed my last blog - I was supposed to get a spinal injection in my SI joint to determine the problem, and was also sent to see a neurologist for the numbness. Both of those are put on hold now too, however, since the pregnancy means no heavy duty imaging. Which really sucks, because I was hoping to have a handle on my pain before bringing a baby into the world. But, it is what it is. I have an MRI of my brain and my spine scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving, and have yet to reschedule my injection - who knows what I'll be feeling like post-delivery. Secretly I'm kind of hoping that somehow the pregnancy will make it all disappear by the end, but probably wishful thinking.
I haven't been able to completely put Lyme on the back burner though - there are some major things to consider with the baby. I've talked about this before - but many doctors have said that the chance of passing Lyme to your baby goes from somewhere in the 90th percentile down to single digits if you are on antibiotics. I did a lot of research (mostly talking to other Lyme moms on Facebook) and found that a majority of those who went the antibiotic route still ended up giving their baby Lyme. And don't even get me started on how bad antibiotics are for your immune system anyway! So I opted out. I could also pass Lyme through breastfeeding - another controversial subject. I've reached out to Lyme moms with this one as well and found that the results are 50/50 - some passed and some didn't. To me, the benefits of breast milk far outweigh the risks, so I'm going to give it a shot.
I'm sure some people may see these decisions as careless, or may disagree with the way I'm doing things. I have to say it's incredibly tough to make these decisions when there are no concrete answers one way or the other. Especially when it comes to the health of my little girl. But I'm trusting my gut and have decided that whatever is meant to happen, will happen. I am considering going back to Lymestop for a checkup/treatment, for both of us, shortly after she is born, but until then - I'm just going to ride it all out.
I have to say, living a life where I'm focusing on this amazing new journey in my life, rather than on my sickness, has been so liberating! Although this pregnancy has not been easy on me, I'm so excited for things to come. Leigh and I have now lived in Olympia for 4 years, and those that know me well, know that living away from from my family, and what I consider "home," very difficult. The only close friend I've made since being here has since moved away. It's extremely difficult making friends at our age as it is, but when we are so socially limited because of my disease, it's made it that much harder. Needless to say, it has been a very lonely and depressing stage in my life.
I've felt for quite a while now that starting a family is something that could bring me the happiness that I've needed and longed for. The first few years of our marriage, we weren't quite ready, and then when we were, it just wasn't in the cards. But I'm so thrilled that we are being blessed with a child now, and can't wait to feel the love and joy she will bring to our lives.
Speaking of joy, I've been anticipating this weekend for months!! There are 2 things that make me the most happy in life and that is being with my family, and being at the beach. I get to do them both starting today, and I am absolutely elated!! Happy 4th of July weekend everyone - have fun and be safe!!
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