I've recently realized that I have established a love-hate relationship with my weekends. It's still the same as it's always been - that Saturday can't come fast enough, and Monday comes too soon....I'm pretty sure everyone feels this way. But I've been feeling it way more than ever lately. My weekdays have been so much more of a struggle, that it seems like every single moment finds me longing for Friday at 5.
My normal back and hip pain is still a factor - even more so now that I have more weight to carry in the front - obviously that's only going to get worse. The edema in my legs creates this feeling of enormous amounts of pressure in my shins, so that any length of standing or walking is excruciating. Add to that my pelvic pain - let's just say any type of movement is pure hell. But the worst of all of it, is that I'm SO DAMN TIRED.
I haven't slept well in years and years, but this is a whole new level of suck. I'm waking up EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR. Sometimes, even every half hour or less. And as it's always been, my pain is so horrible, that I have a very hard time getting back to sleep. REM cycles are a thing of the past. Most days, I finally crawl out of bed around 4 or 5 am, because I can't take the pain anymore and because my mind is wide awake. And then I make it about an hour before the lethargy sets in...just in time to get ready for the day. It's like living in a dream where you're trying to run a race, but your legs don't move, or your're stuck in the mud. And by the time I get to work, the lethargy is so awful that I feel like throwing up.
I know what you're thinking, because I've heard it from so many people since the bun in the oven started baking - "get used to it!" - "it's only going to get worse." - "you're in for a lifetime of tired!" For some reason, I find this insulting. Don't the people in my life understand what I've been through, what I've continued to endure for years and years already? The truth is, not all tiredness is created equally. No offense, healthy people, but you just have no idea.
It's one thing to be sleep deprived. But add to that a fatigue and lethargy so intense that you couldn't move if you tried - that's something else all together. And this is the reason I haven't really enjoyed my weekends in quite a while. Because it almost never fails that my body shuts down as soon as Saturday hits. I think of the stories you hear, of people who are overcome with superhuman strength when their adrenaline kicks in - like lifting a vehicle to save someone's life. I feel like, in a sense, my body goes into superhuman mode during the week - or the days I absolutely have to get something done - because it knows I have no choice. But as soon as a day comes where I'm not obligated to perform, my body acts in the way it really feels.
Here, as a true 80's/90's kid would, I think of the episode of Saved by the Bell where Screech pretends to be an Alien. When these days of lethargy hit, I feel like something has come up from behind me and sucked every single ounce of energy and life right out of me. On top of that, it's like a ton of bricks are weighing me down. I'm so weak that I have a hard time just lifting my water bottle to my mouth. My body actually feels numb. So I stick to the couch. Sometimes sleeping, but most of the time, just laying there, hating that my weekend is getting away from me.
I've always been big on "to do" lists and using my weekend to get things done. It's especially frustrating now, as there are so many things I want to accomplish before the baby arrives. I mean, if you know me at all, you probably would figure that I'd be the ultimate baby nester, and, well, you'd be right. Wasting my days away on the couch also adds to the depression that Lyme feeds to my brain - knowing that most everyone else is out there enjoying the summer and having fun over the weekend - while my hours are wasted away inside doing nothing. My husband tells me that I need to just rest, because that's what my body needs, and I'm sure my mom would tell me the same thing. ;) But I have a very bad habit of pushing myself to the extreme. Even though I don't have a choice most of the time, I still take full advantage of any kind of lethargy lull. So it's a big accomplishment to get ready for the day and make a trip to Target, or clean the house, which is what I did Sunday. But then I'm so wiped out that there is definitely nothing else that can be done for the rest of the day.
This horrible way of life is something I've been experiencing for years and years with Lyme disease. Sometimes it would be an entire day, other times it would be moments throughout every day. And I never knew when it was going to hit. But the pregnancy has definitely made it much worse. I know this is a normal preggo symptom, and many women think they know what I'm talking about. Granted, I've never been healthy, "normal" and pregnant - but take it from me, I'm pretty sure that unless you've been pregnant with a chronic illness like mine, you have no idea what this fatigue is like.
This isn't being said to minimize what others go through during pregnancy, I just want people to know that what you probably experienced for 9 months, is something I've been dealing with for years and years, nearly every day. And when someone tells me, "just wait, you don't know what tired is yet..." - well yeah, unfortunately, I do.
I'm not oblivious to the fact that it will be difficult, or that it could get even worse. In fact, I'm very anxious about baby's arrival for this very reason. From the very beginning, the number one thing I've been worried about is how I'm going to take care of her, with the pain I have. And that's still my number one concern. But now - factoring in the lethargy too - being a mom sounds nearly impossible. I'm used to getting next to no sleep, but what if the few hours that I am able to rest during the night, are also the times that she's awake and needing me? It's very likely. And right now I have a few days of the week where my body is allowed to shut down, but that won't be an option when I have a baby to take care of.
So when I hear from other moms how difficult and exhausting raising a child is, all the time, I can't help but wonder, "if it's hard for them, how am I going to do it?" I guess my only hope is that my super-human moments turn into super-human days and I become the ultimate super-mom!
