So in case you haven't heard, I'm about to be a mommy! ;) Lately, I've heard a lot of "aren't you excited?" comments, or "I bet you can't wait to hold your little girl!" While I've always envisioned my answer to these questions to be yes, and as much as I'd like to say that those things are true, I have to very honestly say that any feelings of excitement I should have are currently buried deep down inside...overshadowed by feelings of complete and utter dread about my capabilities as a non-healthy mom.
On Sunday night, the hubby and I were watching the "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD (courtesy of our new pediatrician!) and I had an unexpected emotional breakdown. It made me realize that as much as I've been honest telling people that I AM apprehensive about being able to raise this baby with my health the way it is, I've really been holding things in. Mostly because I know that it will be difficult for anyone to truly understand. But as hard as it is for me to write this, I've made it a point to always be honest and raw with my blogs - because I want people to know on how many different levels this disease can affect a person. It's just as emotionally exhausting as it can be physically, and sometimes even more so.
I want nothing more than to be over the moon about this new addition to our family. The happiness and eagerness on my husband's face melts my heart and makes me disappointed in myself all at the same time, because I want, so badly, to feel the same way. I struggle to write this, because I hate admitting to myself, and the world, that these are the emotions that I'm going through. It makes me feel like a horrible person. And guilty too, because I know my baby deserves to have a mom that is over-the-top excited for her arrival.
Every time I've had a contraction or another sign of labor, I think, "no, not yet!" Everyone always says, "you'll never be ready," but this is more than that. Because, really, all I've been able to think about these last 9 months - and especially this last trimester - is how incapable I am to be a mother, how impossible raising a child seems, and how I really, really don't think I can do it. I mean, it took me 5 weekends just to pack my hospital bag because of my lack of energy, how can I be attentive to a child every minute of the next 18 years??!
I've alluded to my main apprehensions in some of my past blogs. The biggest one is obviously my pain. I'll never be able to put into words how horrible it is, and how much it affects every second of my life. Just standing, sitting and (trying to) sleep is plain awful and puts me into tears. When I think about having to hold the baby, the amount of time I will spend bending over - changing diapers, strapping her into the car seat or the stroller - feeding her, dressing her....how can I possibly do those things??
The other symptom I'm most worried about is the lethargy. I've talked about this plenty of times as well - how much it affects me right down to my bones....like my body weighs a thousand tons and there is absolutely nothing I can do to peel myself out of bed or off the couch. For the past few years, especially this last one, I give all I have to get myself through a work day, and the rest of my time is literally spent on the couch. My social life consists of Netflix and Hulu, and hanging out with my husband ON. THE. COUCH.
I already have sleepless nights as it is too, but when I hear all the parental "zombie" stories - and just in general - how difficult it is to raise a child, I can't help but think how much more difficult it will be for me.
I have expressed some of these feelings to a few people, but I always get the same kind of response. That I will be amazed at what my body can do when it needs to (this I know!). That I will have help in my husband (yes, of course - but I'm pretty sure there are certain things men cannot do ;) etc. etc. The thing is, I'm going into this adventure already SO TIRED of pushing myself past my limits. I guess ten years of doing this every single day can really wear a person out. I know that I have overcome a lot of obstacles and difficult days/events in my life despite how I feel, but I'm so damn tired of living that way. And I'm not a parent yet, but I'm pretty sure taking care of a human every day is going to be a lot more demanding than getting through a social outing or an event day at work. Those activities usually require a few days of recuperation before I can even think about getting back into the swing of things...call me crazy but I don't think I'll be able to take a few days off from being a mom every week.
I still don't know where I stand with the Lyme disease, and how much - if at all - Lymestop worked for me. Even now, it's impossible to tell whether it's the pregnancy or the disease (or both) that are plaguing me. I have noticed that a lot of my symptoms have gotten worse in the last month and a half. It actually made me realize how "good" I felt in the middle of the pregnancy. Of course quotation marks are necessary here, as my "good" was probably still in line with most people's "bad" days. However, even my pain was notably better - which I hadn't even realized until it came back with a vengeance a month ago. The fact that all of my Lyme doctors have told me that patients usually feel better during pregnancy and worse after, has me even more worried about the future. I feel like I'm already seeing those signs, and if it's to get worse after delivery - ooh boy, I'm in for it.
Another sucky thing about being a Lyme mom, is that I've been so overwhelmed by these fears of what's to come, that I've failed to really prepare myself in the way a new parent should. Not that I've neglected to do so all-together, but the lack of energy and the constant trepidation about my mom-abilities, have really prevented me from being gung-ho in learning what I should. I actually don't even think I've made room to feel the normal "new parent fears" about raising a child, because I've been so concerned about the basics, like how I will get off the couch to take care of her. I know that a lot of learning happens along the way, but those of you who know me, know that I like to be very prepared for things, so this is kind of killing me a little. Thankfully my hubby has been really good about reading books and learning about baby care - as always, I don't know what I would do without him!
I think it's especially hard to accept the way I feel right now because I've always envisioned myself as a mother, and have looked forward to raising a family for years. Since my nieces have been born, I've probably been the biggest baby hog in the family - I love holding and nurturing them, and it's made me very excited to have my own. Even from the time I was young, I've pictured myself as the kind of mom who comes up with creative crafts with her kids, makes fun school lunches, bakes "just because" cookies, and goes above and beyond to help her kids have the best childhood they could ask for. Yet as it stands now, I can barely muster enough strength to get up and get ready for the day. It's just so unfair that the lack of health I've been granted so heavily taints what should be one of the most joyous occasions of my life, and could very possibly affect the kind of mom that I strive to be.
So anyway, our due date is quickly approaching (this Saturday!) and we have a scheduled induction on Monday morning if it doesn't happen naturally. Right now she seems to be just as content inside my tummy as I am with her staying there. I would obviously prefer a natural progression to labor, but I also kind of like the idea of having a scheduled date and time - you know, the planner in me taking hold again :) So we'll see what happens!
I'm hoping, and fully expecting, that once she's born, the overwhelming feelings of love and joy that are to come will hugely overshadow my feelings of fear and despair. I have had a few sentimental moments seep through during the course of the pregnancy - like when we were going through clothes she will fit into one day - I couldn't help but choke back a few tears. So I know there's a real person with normal emotions in there somewhere. ;)
And despite the way I feel right at this very moment, I can honestly say that I'm really looking forward to seeing who she will look like and what her personality will be....to holding her, and having a daughter of my own. Deep down, I know that I'm truly excited for this baby girl to come into our lives, and change it for the better. I'm just also praying that my body can handle it in the way my mind wants it to, and that I will still, somehow, get a chance to be the mom I've always wanted to be.
