This is probably going to be the most vulnerable blog I'll ever post. No one likes to talk about their weight, let alone exploit it for all the world to see. But like everything else I've experienced with this disease, I want to be completely transparent about my entire journey, which in large part (see what I did there?) has to do with my appearance.
Weight has been an issue for me, basically my whole life. My twin sister and were each born at 5lbs 4oz but it didn't take long for me to outgrow her. If you look at pictures from when we were children, you would think that I was 4 years older than her rather than the 4 minutes that I actually am. (In the picture on the right, that's me on the very left and her on the very right).
Let’s face it, I’m a big-boned girl. Of course it wasn't until grade school that I started to take notice. Because it was there that one of the boys in my class called me fat. I was young enough that I don't really recollect the actual moment, but it's a memory that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I didn't completely hold it against him - we even ended up playing basketball with each other after school at his grandma's house down the street on a regular basis. But I'll always remember him as the 1st person to call me fat. Kids can be so cruel.
In junior high we had those dreaded physical fitness tests in P.E - I still get a pit in my stomach just thinking about them. There was nothing worse than participating in a week-long activity that showcased to the entire class just how "unfit" you really were. I couldn't do a pull-up to save my life, my hops weren't very high, and I was one of the last ones to make it around the track. It wasn't just embarrassing, it was mortifying. For whatever reason, I had to wear glass orthotics in my shoes at that time, and during one of those endurance tests, one of them cracked right in half. It was so painful - but yes, I admit, I was grateful to have an excuse to stop running. I remember walking into the locker room afterwards, and overhearing one of the girls in my class making fun of me. She told all the other girls that she was sure I had been making the whole thing up to get out of running. I've always been a very sensitive person, so as you can imagine, that crushed me.
Speaking of locker rooms – what a nightmare for large girls. It's the reason I had such a a love/hate relationship with P.E. Sports were my jam, from the time I was small. I was one of those girls who dominated in kickball & teatherball, and hit homeruns in fleeceball. Unless we were climbing ropes or running, it was a blast for me, and I looked forward to this class every day. But just as much as I anticipated P.E., I dreaded the locker room. I’m a very modest person and probably still would be, at least to some extent, even if I were thin. But being overweight and undressing in front of others was humiliating. Especially at a time when other girls judged and made fun of others all the time. And then having to shower on top of that – what a horrifying experience. I really honed in on my stall tactics and timing back then - whatever I had to do to avoid being seen by the other girls.
Then there was “this one time at church camp”. It was customary for me to take refuge in the corner of the room, using the bunk beds as a shield the best I could, every time I changed clothes. Of course, there had to be a girl in our cabin who made fun of me for it. As if the shame wasn’t bad enough, she had to call me out in front of all the other girls. Yes, even church kids make fun of fat girls. :)
Although she wasn't directly calling out my weight, that's clearly the way I took it. This particular camp also had a "theme" one year where they forced all the kids to participate in what I not-so-fondly remember as big kid torture activities. They built an obstacle course full of things like wooden climbing walls, tire runs and army crawls where - get this - the netting above was made of shocking tape! Needless to say, my big butt got zapped so many times I lost count. But I would be remiss not to also mention the one time I made up for my embarrassments, by winning the underwater swimming competition one year. I swam the entire length of the pool, and back, and when I came up for air, realized that all eyes were on me because no one else had made it more than 1/2 way of the first length! Thankfully they were in so much awe that they hardly recognized I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts rather than a swimsuit. At least, that's what I tell myself. ;)
Obviously, the older I got, the more aware of my weight I was. I think it may have been about 7th grade that I became determined to do something about it. That summer, I went on really long walks at night - up and down the big hills by my house. Jamming out on my totally tubular Walkman, through the sagebrush of “Deadman's Hill”. To this day, every time I hear Bryan Adams, "Run to You" I think of those nightly dusk workouts. I didn’t eat much during those days, either, which I know wasn't good - but I was desperate to shed inches. And still, my weight hardly budged. That was my first glimpse of the fact that losing any kind of weight was going to be a huge battle for me.
College was a little better. I was still overweight, but I had so many people in my life who accepted me, for me. I was really happy, and not "quite" as consumed by my size. However, thanks to portion control and all that campus walking, I was still able to thin out a little by my senior year. After college, I moved to Spokane, where I would live for the next 8 years. Being in my early twenties, and not having partied in college like most people did, I “made up for it” the next few years. Obviously all that alcohol didn't make me any skinnier, but I was having fun, and not quite as worried about how I looked. Still, it was always in the back of my mind.
This was the age of "Myspace", when pretty much everyone had their own glorious web page to waste time on. God, I squandered so many hours picking the perfect background and selecting the best song to play when someone landed on my page! At one point, I had posted this picture to the left, of my roommate and I out at a local bar, Fast Eddies. Some random dude took it upon himself to comment on my picture: “Very pretty, but could stand to lose some weight.” I guess some kids don’t ever grow out of their cruel behavior. I recall having very deep feelings of hatred toward this stranger who I’d never met. Who did he think he was??! But you know what? I used it as motivation. That is the moment in my life that I really turned things around. So I guess I owe that guy for being such a dick, because his rude comment was one of the major reasons I decided to kick it into gear.
I joined 24-Hour Fitness, and for the next six years went to the gym 5-6 (sometimes 7) days a week. I was also walking 30-60 minutes every morning before work, and again for an hour at lunch. I had some motivating friends who walked the centennial trail with me every day – through sun, rain, ice and snow. When I changed jobs and locations, I hit the gym around the corner during my lunch break instead. I hired a personal trainer and often popped up for some HIT training during my lunch break. I finally started shedding my weight, but I had to work my ass off (quite literally) to do it. I admittedly didn’t eat a whole lot, then, either. I went from wearing XL clothes, to mediums – MEDIUMS!! I remember my boss telling me one day that "I was disappearing before [his] very eyes". Do you know how happy that made me? Never in my life had someone commented on my weight in a positive light! I wasn't a huge fan of working out, but I also loved the way I felt after, and the weight loss was a huge motivating factor to keep going, and to eat healthier. I could (pretty) easily turn down unhealthy food – I wouldn’t even eat a piece of cake at a family birthday party, because I was so afraid of gaining my weight back. Some people joke and say that they gain weight just by looking at a cheeseburger. I swear, for me, it was (and is) true. I had to be quite strict to stay in my "happy place".
When I met my husband in 2007, I was the healthiest, and most lean, that I had ever been. We started going to the gym together, and it just became
something we did nearly every day, without question. Life was so much better than it had been. I had a great guy in my life, I felt great, and I felt great about myself. I think I always will consider myself the "fat girl" no matter how thin I may be, but I definitely never felt better than I did at that time. That's me, on the right, on New Years Day - the day before I had my gallbladder removed (and 6 days into hanging out with this "new guy"). Happy, happy, happy.
It took a couple months after my surgery, but things started to go downhill rather quickly. I was still working out, but my stomach started to balloon. I’ve talked about my horrible digestive symptoms in earlier posts, and how distended my tummy became - it was really, really bad. There were days when I thought I'd need to go to the emergency room because my pain was so intense. And my stomach was SO big, and hard as a rock. It was painful and very uncomfortable, all the time. That was also the start of my social decline.
Much later (6 years later!) I would discover that I have Lyme disease, and that the gallbladder surgery is what had set off my symptoms. But in the meantime, I was spending all of my time and money on doctors and tests, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong. Every single test came back normal, except for the stomach emptying test that led to a diagnosis of Gastroparesis, and the medication I was given for that made me go up 3 PANT SIZES in 1 MONTH!
I was still watching what I ate, and exercising, but my body was out of control. One weekend, we went to a wedding of one of my childhood friends, where they served pizza, cupcakes and wine. I consumed them all – wouldn’t it have been rude not to? 😊 And it was delicious. The next morning, I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. My face was so swollen! Overnight, I gained 13 pounds!!! Yes, it was just water weight – but clearly my body was having some major reactions. By that point in my life, I couldn’t even get rid of the water. I remember doing a week of the cabbage soup diet, yet my body continued to retain – I lost absolutely nothing!! I had no control – and that’s probably the worst part – because, let’s face it, I’m kind of a control freak. There is nothing worse than your body freaking out on you, without knowing why, or how to stop it. And now that you know why weight is such a dagger to my soul – this was clearly ruining my life in more ways than one.
When we were first relocated to Olympia, I was unemployed, so I had tons of time on my hands to attend the gym. My stomach distension, as well as my horrible digestive symptoms, were finally under control as well. I had spent the previous 2 years working with a doctor who cleared up a lot of my issues like leaky gut and candida. I continued to see her regularly, and we proceeded to keep these problems at bay. I was still very sick and looking for answers, but I was also able to stay at a steady and healthy weight.
Two months in, I started a job as an event coordinator for a catering company. It was a small organization, where even as managers, we had to do a lot of heavy lifting. Setting up tables and chairs galore, on our feet 12-14 hours a day during wedding season – it was back-breaking work, quite literally. I developed a cyst near my spine that created searing pain. One day I bent down to start the pilot on our fireplace, when suddenly, my back locked up and I couldn't straighten back up. The pain was excruciating! Now I remember that near the end of our stay in Spokane, I was doing Jillian Michael’s workouts at home – and every time she had me lay on my back on the floor, I would have to try hard not to cry because of the pain. It's hard to say when or why the cyst developed, but it was clear that I couldn't keep living with the pain it was causing.
In December of that year, I had the cyst removed. And that’s when shit hit the fan. Now a days, I know that surgeries are NOT GOOD when you have Lyme. But at the time, I hadn’t even been diagnosed yet. Hindsight is 20/20, but looking back, I would give anything to have that cyst pain back, if it meant that the rest of this pain that has overtaken my entire body every second of every day would go away. And actually - I still get that cyst pain every now and then. The doctor told me it's possible the cyst could redevelop, and I think maybe it has. Needless to say - the surgery was a horrible decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. Anyway, things started getting bad pretty quickly. I had to freeze my 24-Hour Fitness membership. I thought, "this will get better, then I can get back to it." Only it didn’t. It got worse. To the point that after extending my freeze for the 5th or 6th time, I realized that my gym membership was no longer going to be a reality.
Now, not only have I not been back to the gym since that time in 2013, I have also not been able to work out in any capacity. I have an elliptical that sits in my room, covered in layers of dust. I haven’t gotten rid of it, because there is still an inkling of hope that my pain will get better one day, but I honestly don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. I can’t even go on walks anymore. The most I’m able to endure is a walk to the end of the block to get the mail or, on rare occasion, take my daughter to the playground– but even that is very difficult to do.
As one would expect, without any form of exercise, my weight continues to climb. In 2016, we finally got pregnant. Despite some of it’s challenges, I loved my pregnancy. For many of the obvious reasons – like the fact that I got to feel my child living inside of me, or the way people treated me with care. But I also loved that for 9 glorious months, I no longer had to “hide” my stomach.
In the beginning of all this, I used to joke that with the way my stomach was distended, I looked 7 months pregnant. But I wasn't really exaggerating. For the most part, it’s been that way every day for ten long years. If you’re a woman who has experienced the joy of pregnancy, you probably remember how large, and even disgusting, you felt at times. Or, for any woman, how awful you feel about yourself during your period. This is how I feel every single day. I can probably count on two hands the number of times I’ve worn jeans during that time span. Now, I hardly wear pants at all, unless it’s leggings. Nearly my entire wardrobe is filled with dresses. Not just to hide the awful bulge in my stomach, but also because anything else is incredibly uncomfortable. Now, my stomach is back to being so horribly distended that even my maxi dresses and leggings are uncomfortable!
2007 - 9 months pre-cholecystectomy 2016 - 2 weeks before delivery 2019 - 1 week ago
With my pregnancy, I ended up gaining around 50 pounds. I knew I was going to gain weight, that my body would change, and I wouldn't be able to "work it off" like a normal person - but I wasn't expected to gain that much! Still, I actually felt ok at the end of my pregnancy - I never felt that enormous, and it seemed to mostly be weight in my stomach. Even months into having a newborn, despite eating gluten and dairy, and getting next to no sleep, I didn't feel that "different" from before. It wasn't until 7 months after my daughter was born, that I started noticing some changes. My face became much wider, and my clothes stopped fitting. This was also the same time I stopped breastfeeding, so I can't help but blame this largely in part to hormones. Ever since then, my body has majorly fluctuated from month to month. Shortly after seeing my new doctor, I noticed that my face started looking more normal, and my clothes were fitting better again. But not 2 weeks later, I ballooned back up again. Now, I just keep getting bigger every day.
My doc has told me several times, that despite anything I try, my body is absolutely not going to get rid of the weight. It's hanging on to everything (fat, water, toxins) for dear life. So now I'm sitting here thinking, "damn, even if I were able to exercise, I still wouldn't lose anything!" I have many things working against me. Lyme and the co-infections alone can cause significant weight gain (or loss). I also have PCOS and extremely low levels of progesterone. Parasites are also known to cause gains or losses – of course my bugs don’t cause me to go the other way. Just ONE of any of these health problems can cause significant weight gain, so I guess it makes sense that my body has gotten the way that it is. I also know that a ton of it is just inflammation, and I'm hoping that one day (soon) my doctor will find something to help me tame it down.
Along with all of this, obviously, comes a form of depression. And a never-ending cycle of self-loathing. When you work so hard to get to a “good” place, and then have it all ripped away from you, it’s devastating. It’s nearly impossible not to be resentful of this disease. I constantly mourn my past. My past personality. My past social life. My past joy. And even, my past body. Lyme disease has stolen all of these things from me, and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.
*PLEASE NOTE* If you're reading this and think you may have "THE weight loss or health answer" for me - please don't waste your time. I don't say that to be rude, but aside from all the diets out there, I have tried literally almost every product out there over the years...HCG drops, Keto powder, Ephedra diet pills, Isagenix...the list goes on, and even the things that worked for other people has not worked for me. I've recently been trying Plexus and HGH gel as well. So far, neither has done much as of yet...but I'm holding out hope for Plexus to start healing me from the inside out. If this doesn't help, I'm determined not to try any other new products...it consumes way too much of my finances and mental well-being.
